Boost your EQ: transformative tips for executive leaders

One of the most transformative steps executives can take is to expand their capacity to respond (rather than react) in difficult situations. Each of us has this capacity, but applying it consistently under high-pressure situations takes discipline and practice.

We’ve all worked with leaders who don’t regulate their emotions effectively, and know the brutal toll it takes on them and everyone around them. There are all too many stories about executives privileged by their positions of authority to react in ways that would be unacceptable for “lower-level” employees. Thankfully, this model of leadership has shifted to greater appreciation for executives who remain calm during high-pressure situations because they gain their colleague’s respect and trust, which helps them lead change and inspire their organizations to succeed.

Before we start judging ourselves or others too harshly, it’s helpful to know that the way we experience emotion is linked to changes in our physical and mental well-being. When emotions overwhelm us, our amygdala starts sending distress messages to our hypothalamus, the command centre of the brain. These messages trigger our nervous system to get adrenaline pumping, which affects our pulse, blood pressure and rate of breathing. Executive thinking becomes more difficult in this part of the cycle. This continues until our brain gets a signal that the threat has passed, our cortisol levels fall, and our body activates the “brake” (our parasympathetic nervous system).

This physiological cycle happens so instantly that we aren’t even aware of it. It’s a useful evolutionary response that saved our ancestors from charging bears and falling rocks- but is not helpful in business relationships. .

If it happens instantly, how can we notice when it’s happening? We can be aware of signs and behaviours that tend to happen when we’re in that state. Recognizing these signs and consciously shifting towards a more responsive approach can lead to improved outcomes, better relationships, and a more sustainable leadership style.

Here are some common indicators of a person operating in reaction mode:

1. Impulsive Decision-Making: We may make quick decisions without considering all relevant factors or seeking input from others, leading to less than ideal outcomes.

2. Emotional Outbursts: We may feel and vent heightened emotions such as anger, frustration, or defensiveness, which can negatively impact relationships and communication within the team.

3. Blame Game: Instead of taking ownership of challenges or mistakes, we may get the urge to blame others or external circumstances, fostering a culture of finger-pointing rather than accountability.

4. Micromanagement: We may exhibit a lack of trust in our team members, resulting in excessive monitoring and control over tasks, stifling creativity and autonomy.

5. Inflexibility: We may resist change or new ideas, clinging to familiar routines or approaches, even when they are no longer effective, hindering innovation and adaptability.

6. Lack of Empathy: We may disregard others' perspectives or emotions, prioritizing our own agenda or interests over the well-being of our team members.

7. Poor Communication: We may communicate in a reactive and confrontational manner, leading to misunderstandings, conflicts, and breakdowns in collaboration.

8. Physical Symptoms: Stress, tension, and exhaustion may manifest in physical symptoms such as headaches, insomnia, or digestive issues, indicating a state of chronic reactivity.

Overall, when we’re in reaction mode, our behaviours and decision-making is driven by emotions, impulsivity, and a lack of self-awareness or mindfulness. This reactive state undermines effective leadership, hinders team performance, and creates a negative work environment. 

We can’t always prevent this- it’s a physiological reaction. A more realistic goal is to notice that it’s happening, avoid acting on it, and move out of it as soon as possible.

A useful starting point is to recognize the difference between your sense of self and the thoughts that you experience. I find it helpful to visualize this capacity as a physical space (or buffer zone) that exists between these inputs and the self. It’s the self that then exercises freedom in choosing how to act or speak. Cultivating and expanding that zone is essential for leadership. The wider that space, the more we experience the ability to make decisions that improve our well-being, our relationships with other people, and our collective ability to achieve our business goals.

It’s also helpful to come up with a personal metaphor or image symbolizing that difference between yourself and your emotions- something that you find useful to remember in the moment when you are trying to expand that space. One of my clients liked the image of an umbrella separating herself from the deluge of emotions; another used the image of a space suit within which his true self could observe and make choices from a place of clarity.

Why is it important to get familiar with this capacity in yourself? When we pay attention to it, that space may feel wider and more open, and it becomes easier to make calm, smart decisions. In stressful situations, we may feel that space constricting or even disappearing, and that’s when we are more likely to react rather than respond.

Techniques to lead with greater freedom

Leaders can use various techniques to expand their sense of agency and freedom to respond well in challenging situations. This is often referred to as emotional intelligence or mindfulness training.

The first steps of working on self-awareness and emotional regulation are foundational. Another step is to learn to demonstrate empathy, active listening, and conflict resolution skills. Mindfulness practice and stress management are often helpful, and cognitive restructuring is a transformative tool that makes a difference in how a leader feels as well as how they lead.

As a coach, I’ve worked with many executives who developed their ability to move out of stressed reaction habits and move into productive responses. Here are some of their stories that illustrate a range of techniques to build emotional intelligence (names have been changed to ensure confidentiality).

1.  Self-Reflection and Self-Awareness

Laura, a senior executive, heard feedback that her team members felt she was micromanaging them, leading to disengagement and reduced productivity. Through self-reflection and feedback from her team, Laura recognized the impact of her behavior on team dynamics. Determined to change, she sought coaching to improve her self-awareness and emotional intelligence. By understanding her triggers and blind spots, Laura learned to empower her team members, delegate effectively, and trust their capabilities. She also learned to apply different kinds of leadership so that she could choose the degree of hands-on supervision that would be appropriate to different situations. This expansion of her leadership style resulted in a more motivated and empowered team, driving better performance and innovation.

2. Emotional Regulation

John, a senior executive, struggled with managing his anger, which often led to conflicts with his colleagues. Recognizing the impact of his reactive behaviour, he started practicing deep breathing exercises whenever he felt anger rising. He practiced noticing and naming the feelings without identifying with them.  “I am noticing a feeling of irritation coming up for me.” “I am noticing physical tension in my shoulders, and the urge to blast this person with my opinion.” Taking these extra moments to notice what he was feeling and name it, he could visualize the feelings as just one part of him, but knew that they were not in control of him: “I found a helpful visual image of my feelings: the feelings are like growling or barking dogs, but I have them on a leash, and I am not going to let them bite people.” As he incorporated this technique into his daily routine, John learned to regulate his emotions more effectively. As a result, he was able to approach challenging situations with a calm demeanor, leading to smoother interactions with his team and improved collaboration.

3. Empathy and Active Listening

Maria, a team leader, realized that her forceful communication style was alienating team members and hindering collaboration. Determined to change, she began practicing active listening and empathy during team interactions. She learned to practice some simple techniques in conversations with her direct reports, such as re-stating what she heard to ensure that she had heard correctly.  This new habit helped her to ask open ended questions, and listen to understand rather than jump in with her opinion. By genuinely listening to her team members' perspectives and showing empathy towards their concerns, Maria fostered a more inclusive and supportive work environment. Her team members felt heard and valued, leading to increased trust and engagement within the team.

4. Conflict Resolution Skills

Alex, a project manager, found themself constantly caught in conflicts with team members due to poor communication and differing opinions. Realizing the need to improve their conflict resolution skills, they attended a workshop on negotiation and assertive communication. He practiced being able to de-personalize the conflict by noting systemic factors, staying curious, and naming assumptions that he was bringing to the situation. Equipped with new strategies, Alex learned to navigate conflicts constructively, reaching win-win solutions and fostering stronger relationships within their team. By effectively resolving conflicts, their team became more cohesive and collaborative, achieving better results together.

5. Mindfulness Practices

Sarah, a CEO, noticed that she often reacted impulsively during team meetings, leading to misunderstandings and tension among her team members. This included glossing over problems, and not acknowledging when team members raised issues that they wanted addressed. Realizing the need for change, she started incorporating mindfulness meditation into her daily routine. Over time, Sarah became more aware of her thoughts and emotions, allowing her to pause before responding. She began to notice what she felt in her body when a problem was raised. She recognized that there was some personal anxiety at the root of her habit of pushing past problems.  She began to use her breathing as a way to clam this anxiety and stay in the moment of tension. Using this practice, she found herself able to respond with questions and openness so that the team members would feel heard, and the issue could be discussed and resolved. As a result, team meetings became more productive, and communication improved significantly, fostering a positive work environment.

6. Stress Management

Ranbir, a CEO, was constantly overwhelmed by the demands of his role.  He recognized that it was leading to burnout and decreased effectiveness. Realizing the importance of stress management, he implemented a holistic approach to well-being, including regular exercise, getting out from behind his desk for lunch every day, staying off his email on weekends, and delegating tasks to his team more effectively. By prioritizing self-care and setting boundaries, Ranbir regained his energy and focus, enabling him to lead with clarity and resilience. His improved stress management not only benefited his own well-being but also inspired his team to prioritize their health and work-life balance, creating a more sustainable and high-performing work culture.

7. Cognitive Restructuring

Ali, a department head, often struggled with self-doubt and negative self-talk, impacting his decision-making abilities. Recognizing the need to challenge his limiting beliefs, he started journaling to identify and reframe his negative thought patterns. Naming his assumptions in specific situations and sharing them with his executive coach was a useful exercise.  Ali found that stating his assumptions aloud was often enough for him to identify assumptions that should be questioned. Over time, he realized he could choose other thought patterns that better reflected his real beliefs and goals. By shifting his perspective and focusing on his strengths and achievements, Ali gained more confidence in his leadership role. This cognitive restructuring enabled him to make more confident decisions and inspire his team to achieve their goals.

By applying these techniques and strategies, these executive leaders were able to recognize their need for change, cultivate a more effective response in challenging situations, and ultimately create better results for themselves and their teams.

GrowthPoints provides executive coaching and group coaching virtually and in person. Contact us today for an introductory consult to take your leadership effectiveness to the next level.